Cats

It may seem like an odd thing to be choked up by, but I'm realizing now that for the first time since I was a little boy... I'll be living a life without any kitties around.  That makes me sad.

With my social anxiety and general issues fitting in from very early on in life, I've found feline companionship to be some of my most rewarding relationships. Some may think that's sad, but I love cats.  I fucking adore cats. While some find them standoffish, I've found I can usually befriend most (not all) cats if given enough time. 

Cats are not like dogs and expecting them to act as such is often why some get so frustrated. Dogs aim to please, cats have their own agendas.  Figuring out their agendas are the key to earning their trust, which in turn earns their friendship... and when you get a cat to see you as a friend, then you'll understand why some people are just so fucking ga-ga for cats.

Endless love and adoration, endless comedy, and a nonverbal form of communication that's a real comfort for someone with social anxiety disorder.

But anyway.... there will be occasional dogs out there on the A.T.  Cats ....

Well, maybe in town. At the occasional hostel.  But for the most part... I'm going to be cat-free for the foreseeable future.

And that makes me sad.

Tomorrow I'm actually going to see my two kitties, Lucas and Linus, for what will likely be the second-to-last time before I leave for the A.T.  Even now, over two years since I've lived with them, those boys know and love me. They give me head-bonks and side swipes. I can pick them up and cuddle them a bit, whereas only my ex could pick them up without getting fucked up.  (at least for Linus... Lucas is a bit more chill!) 

Linus is slowing down, and I know it's always possible that he could pass away when I'm out there on the A.T.  We already had one kitty - Hymie (I didn't name him) - pass away since I seperated from my ex and moved out.  Hymie was her kitty before we met, but was a gentle giant and was my good buddy ... he simply went to the vet for a checkup one day and he started turning blue during the examination. Within minutes he was gone, nothing to be done. It was heartbreaking to have not been there for the guy, as he'd been there for me throughout a decade of depression and a turbulent marriage.

Ah, life is full of love and loss... of all sorts. 

I've had several kitties throughout my life, some were closer to me than others. I loved them all.  If this atheist can suspend his disbelief for just one thing in this world, I'd like to think I carry the spirits of my feline friends along with me to draw on for strength when I need it most.. as they provided to me when they lived - and when I lived with them.