The hotel I am staying in in Erwin, TN has a public computer, so I finally have a chance to post a proper link to my Facebook blog. Apologies for the difficulty I've had updating this one, but the Android Blogger app is hot garbage. At least with Facebook I am able to update and post photos as long as I have a working Internet connection. https://www.facebook.com/AtreyuAT/

Hi folks... The Blogger apps have been absolutely awful, crashing and locking up constantly. Thus I've shifted over to Facebook instead.


https://lm.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Ffb.me%2FAtreyuAT&h=AT3i8saZQPebvkMcsetRFmaHmDr94d7iJ17WsEOUnI4wpBKJn27E4etn_c1PqO6i-YT7KqfQUQis2Bv0DtOMP4ZzRSUkL2g-0fIfDUSHAeLRLFIYo2FSW0lb0fdWtJ5iFEEHcjT1onhkuSsKe1vA0Zv_jmLem4-k1g

Inching Forward

I'm off to a slow start, but I think I'll be able to manage for a while. I hiked from Amicalola Falls (having done the steps with my friend Memo on Sunday. On Monday - the day I was supposed to start - I opted to spend one night at the Amicalola Lodge.

I needed a day alone, in comfort, with a hot bath to get myself centered. As an introvert who spent several days constantly around people and traveling, I needed to charge my psychic batteries, so to speak.

I went halfway down the Falls steps again and explored the campgrounds and park while waiting for my room for several hours.

Then Tuesday I had my first full day on the trail. I made about 6.5 miles to Black Gap Shelter, which I arrived 2 hours prior to sundown. Along the way I met several hikers of all sorts, from thru hikers, section hikers and day hikers.

I 'rescued' two hikers who hadn't brought enough water, since I carry too much. As painful as it is to carry it, I NEED to be constantly hydrating. My muscles get more sore and take longer to heal when I don't. And, there are stretches of the trail where there's very little water, or sources that involve taking side trails (blue blazes) that are sometimes quite a hike on their own.

I had to stop a lot, especially on the countless uphill winding paths, full of rocks and roots and mud.

I'm constantly on the lookout for the right kinds of logs or rocks that I can sit on in a way that takes my pack weight for me without having to remove it ... Because taking the pack off, as alluring as it appears, involves putting the pack back on... Which requires an enormous burst of energy that itself causes me to need another breather.

I spent about 2.5 hours of the 8 hours of that days hike just resting, letting my heart rate go down to normal and taking an edge off the burn in my legs.

Lungs, too...

I pitched tent at that shelter rather than staying in the three walled construct, which turned out to be the right call. In total there were 6 others there, 2 in the shelter. Those two both snored like chainsaws.

Also, in the morning we found fresh bear tracks behind that shelter. Looks like a bear came up to the back, sniffed around a little, then turned and headed away toward the privy.

I got up at some point that night to use that shitter, too! Yikes!!!

Wednesday I got up early, but as the sun isn't up until 7:45 am, I didn't want to disturb folks still asleep by breaking down my tent or making breakfast. Thus, when the sun finally came up and I heard another hiker getting their cookware ready, I started to break down my stuff.

I was out of there by 10am. Checking my guides, I determined that I'd be hiking half a day since the nearest shelter was only a few hours away, but the one after that was 8 miles out, and i doubted I could make it before sundown, especially with enough time to set up my site and get dinner ready.

This was the day I completed the Approach Trail, though...making it to the summit of Springer Mt. and getting to see the famous plaque and signed the trail register.

Springer Mt shelter was about 20 minutes downhill from the summit, and is one of the largest shelter areas around. There's about 20 spots for tents, and the shelter had a loft to sleep extra people.

This place was packed. This out of the way nook in the woods had a good 20+ people staying there, and plenty of passer throughs and even a college student collecting data for a scientific research project on thru hikers. Also a photographer came through and had us sign release forms.

I teamed up here with a father and son from FL who were on a section hike for a few weeks. We got wood together and built a fire. While the fire got going and we had more wood than needed, the wind Wed night was insane, robbing all the heat unless you squatted right by the fire, inches away from the embers.

The wind remained an issue overnight, getting as high as 25mph. While my tent is pretty good for rain (when set up properly at least), it sucks for wind. I had drafts all night that penetrated my sleeping bag, which is rated for 20 degrees.

Cell service was more or less worthless at both shelters, but have luck in random places as I go.

Anyway, with the reports of the incoming thunderstorms Thurs and Fri, and needing to re-evaluate some of my gear, pack configuration, and possibly replace my sleeping bag... I decided to get a shuttle into Suches.

It was a brief hour trek from Springer shelter to the parking lot where I eventually connected with a shuttle. Another hiker who's quitting took the shuttle with me, and now I'm holed up in this hostel tonight and tomorrow. Saturday I shuttle back to the Trail.

I've decided not to go back to Springer, but to skip ahead to Neel Gap, where there's an outfitter I can get advice and gear from. I need some sort of device to attach water to my backpack strap in front for easy access, and a new GoPro casing - my current one broke (better that than the GoPro itself!).

Some think it's a cheat to skip ahead, but I'm not a purist. Pushing myself too hard, too fast is a sure recipe for failure.

So, tomorrow I might walk to a post office to ship some stuff home, and I'll work on pruning my pack more. It's an art getting everything in there in a sensible manner that still distributes the weight as evenly as possible. An art I've yet to master.

And Here I Am ...

I took an Amtrak from Worcester to NYC on the 7th, then Memo and I drove south all day on the 8th, landing in North Carolina where we spent the night with a friend of Memos.

On the 9th we drove to Amicalola Falls, after dark, and it was ridiculously foggy out. On these twisting, winding roads with steep drops on the sides.... That was a brown-trousers drive!

It began raining as we set up our tents, and then we went to catch the 9:10pm showing of Captain Marvel at a nearby (relatively speaking, 30 minute drive) cinema.

Afterwards back at camp Memo hit the sack and I ended up awake until 3ish.

We woke up late, around 10:30am, Sunday morning. Memo decided to stay an extra day since we didn't get much of a chance to do interviews and get footage for the documentary he's making on my trip.

So we went into town, Dahlonega, to hit up REI for extra tent stakes I needed. It was a cool little town with historic brick sidewalks and was the location of the first gold rush in the US.

Back at camp we walked about 3/4ths of the way down the famous Amicalola Falls stairs to get a good view of the waterfall. Despite not even having my pack on, those steps were murder on the way back up. Freaking beautiful, though!

While I'm still doing the approach trail, I'm bypassing those steps since I already walked them. The trail picks up at the top of the falls, not far from the lodge I'll be staying in tonight.

Yes, I decided to stay an extra night. With Memo staying the extra day, that didn't leave me with the day of solitude I feel I need to get myself centered and in the right head space.

Also, I'm scared as hell if we're being honest.

So, one night in a warm bed before heading out sounds perfect, despite the premium I have to pay for the lodge compared to the campsite.

I was up until 3ish last night as well, fretting over the hike and especially mindful of Memo... Who had ingested two pot cookies and got higher than I've ever seen anyone get, especially him! But that's a different story!

So, I woke at 6;30 and got Memo up an hour later, as he needed to get to DC in one long drive today. Yikes!

So, we got some footage at the trailhead with the arch, drove up to the lodge to reserve a room, and I left my pack with the lodge and saw Memo off around 9am.

I can't check into my room until 2:30pm, so I've been bumming around the lodge and waterfall for a few hours. Still have 3 hours to kill. Hence, finally finding a good time to update here.

So... Tomorrow I'll be up early (sunrise is around 7:30am here currently, which surprised me. Back in MA it starts getting light around 5:30-6am), and I'll walk to the top of the Falls where I'll begin/resume my Thru!!!

...inching ever closer

I know it's been pretty dead here since the move, but there's just not a lot to report on. I'm more anxious about the waiting around than I am about the actual hike - though once I'm en route next week, that could all change.

For now, I'm still at my moms. Tuesday I'll head to my sister's place for the last two nights in Massachusetts. Thursday afternoon I catch a train to NYC, and Friday morning we drive south.

I've made some adjustments to my gear, but not much significant. I did cave in and got myself a decent North Face rain jacket that was on sale 30% off at a local outfitter, so I can ditch the cheap-ass Frogg Toggs now.

My big concern is no longer weight, it's bulk.  Now that I've packed some clothes in with the rest of my gear (sans sleeping pad and inflatable pillow, which are in use), I'm having a difficult time envisioning what I'll do when I need to take off my down jacket. It compacts, but I'm already pretty bulked up. When I'm at my sisters place I should have more room to work with, allowing me to spread all my stuff out and try several different packing configurations. If I'm smart and persistent, I should be able to find a way to make it all fit without needing a fucking shoehorn every time I need to retrieve an item.

But organizational skills were never my forte...


About this blog... I may work on the branding (for lack of a better term) a little.  While writing about mental illness in relation to this hike is still important to me, it may not be helpful to have that as the primary focus. 

So, I'll probably try finding a better title for the blog at the very least, and allow myself to post shorter and sillier stuff in addition to my self indulgent introspectives on my struggles with anxiety and depression. 

After all, as serious as I tend to get a lot of the times.... there's a lot to be said for opening one's self up to the absurd.  It's good to be silly, sometimes!

At my Mom's

There's not much new to report, aside from having completed my move out of Sue's place. Most of my stuff is in storage now, and I am staying with my mother for the next three weeks.

The first night sucked, I'll be honest.  Though I was so spent from the move, and then a movie afterwards, I was still unable to sleep Saturday night.  I'd inadvertently put some items into storage that I needed, including the inflating device for my sleeping pad.

As an aside: As to why I didn't just blow the thing up manually.... I don't know. My mind was fried, somehow this obvious solution eluded me at the time.

At any rate, I slept on a concrete floor with only a thin layer of carpeting, and my sleeping bag... and didn't manage to fall asleep until 8am Sunday morning for a fitful 3 hour session.  I woke up hurting everywhere.

I also really started feeling this oppressive weight of depression and hopelessness that I often find myself falling back into when I spend time around my mother. I hesitate to say so as I don't wish to hurt her feelings if she ever sees this, but it's clearly one of the puzzle pieces of my own mental illnesses .... thus I feel it should be explored to some extent.

My parents argued a lot when I was little. It wasn't violent, and neither of my parents were abusive or anything... but their marriage fell apart after my mother fucked up our family finances with credit card debt and hid the bills and notices that came in the mail out of fear of what would happen with my father. 

Of course, the longer she put it off the worse it became, and had she come clean sooner things might have been different... but by the time it blew up, his photography business was in jeopardy and my dad had to mortgage his mother's house, and I'm sure made a hundred other sacrifices to stay afloat. 

As it became evident that she couldn't call a mulligan on this fuckup, my mother sank into the deepest depression I'd ever witnessed from her, at least overtly.  She spoke of suicide frequently, and even made a semi-serious attempt to drive a car into a wall - which I "heroically" stopped by jumping on the hood of the car as my family yelled at her from the lawn.

Around that time I recall our last family vacation together as a full family, at Cape Cod, when my mother got upset and went down by the Cape Cod Canal by the suspension bridge, crying and sitting on the rocks by the water and giving us the impression that she might jump in.  I was terrified and felt helpless. 

Still, with the pocket money I had been given for souvenirs, I bought a jewelery box at some touristy knick-knack place along the boardwalk that had a poem about "Mothers" printed on it.  It was all I could think of... to give her a present, maybe make her feel loved.

I never knew what to do when my mom got like that.  Anything I did seemed to just make her cry, as did giving her the jewelery box.

I came to understand not too many years afterwards about the depths to true depression, and how words of comfort seem hollow and meaningless.  How kind gestures are appreciated, but feel misguided and vain. In that dark place, sometimes you just want to stew in that despair. Attempts to penetrate the darkness are irritating, sometimes infuriating.

Just let me feel like the world is collapsing for a while, ok?  Stop trying to make things better. There's no point.  There's no... hope.


Well, at any rate... my mom never drove into those walls, or jumped into those canals... but she did carry that baggage forward in many unhealthy ways... and as dad moved out and my sisters both tricked off to college... it was just she and I, for years and years, just enabling each other's depression and mental illnesses' worse natures.

It took an entirely different unhealthy relationship - with my ex wife - to finally get out from under that shadow, and it took the prospect of hiking the Appalachian Trail to help guide me out from that shadow. 

But I'm back in this shadow, doing one last stint before heading south to Amicalola Falls to begin my new, hopefully healthier life.

If nothing else, let this be the extra fire under my ass...

Three weeks, and I'll be on the Trail.

Current Status Update

So, I sort of fucked up with the cabin reservation.  I somehow managed to overlook the fact that Blood Mountain Cabins are located at Neal's Gap, which is the first major stop along the A.T. where people resupply for the first time and start offloading all the crap they're already sick of carrying.

It's approximately 4 days into the hike.

Had I kept my reservation, it would have meant either skipping those first 4 days worth the the A.T., or finding transportation back to Springer Mt.

Rather than go with a pricey cabin or room - which are booking up fast - I opted to get a campsite at Amicalola Falls State Park instead - which is where the A.T. does indeed start.

On the positive side of things, I packed all my base weight stuff (except the sleeping quilt, which is still being shipped) into my backpack, figured out how the correctly attach my trekking poles to the pack and added several water bottles to simulate extra weight.

I then figured out some - not all - of the strap adjustments to make the frame fit me better.

It felt much, much lighter and more comfortable than anticipated.  Yes, when I add food and clothes it'll get heavier, but seriously.... I've carried heavier loads back and forth to work when bringing laptops and hard drives with me.

Granted, I was lugging them for short periods of time and I wasn't doing it up every mountain I come across, but still... by every measure of physical comfort, I am pleasantly surprised thus far. It's one thing to look at the weight as a number on a spreadsheet.  It's another thing altogether to have it on your back!

So, my train ticket to NYC is booked. My campsite is booked. I move out of my apartment this Saturday. Gear is shaping up nicely, with a few things still on order.

So, About Trail Names....

Having a "trail name" is a tradition among thru-hikers, similar to how truck drivers have "handles" or many of us have online psuedonyms. 

Depending on who you ask though, it can be seen as a bit of a taboo to give one's self a trail name and thus should hold off and let other hikers they interact with along the way christen them.

Of course, by doing so you run the risk of getting a shitty name. Maybe it'll be jokey when you want something more serious, or vice versa.  Maybe you get named based on an embarassing experience you'd rather forget. ("Hey Mr Brown Pants, come sit over by the fire and tell them about the time you forgot your Immodium!")

For some, having a name that reflects the person we aspire to become on our trip can be an issue as well. 

That being said, I can see how easy it would be to come across as a pretentious, self important douchebag by naming myself something overly dramatic like Wind in his Hair, or Soaring Phoenix or some shit like that. 

And let's be real.... if left to my own devices, I'll go straight up my own ass trying to find the right epic or clever name that would just wind up coming across as hokey. (have you seen the title of my blog?)

Hence, I'm going to hold off on choosing a Trail Name for now and see what others may have in store for me.  If they give me a shitty name, I suppose at worst I can ignore it and not answer to it when used, and then give myself a name.

I mean... it's not like there's a law that says you have to get your name a certain way.

I think I may be overly concerned with breaking some sort of trail taboos, but really... only the biggest assholes are going to care all that much over petty little things like this.  For the average thru hiker though... I think I just need to follow two simple concepts and the rest should fall into place:

1. Practice "Leave No Trace"
2. Don't be a Dick

Outside of that, I'm going to try my best to stop being too concerned with what other people think. Why work so hard to win over people I wouldn't want to spend much time around to begin with?

Minor Update on Gear

I had a bit of a hiccup with gear.  I'd ordered a ZPacks down quilt to replace my sleeping bag, but the charge failed to go through as my bank thought it was a fraudulent charge. The email they sent to inform me of this sadly wound up in my SPAM folder (damn you Gmail!!) and I wouldn't have seen it at all had I not needed to check my SPAM folder for a totally unrelated reason earlier tonight.

I can easily resolve the charge issue with my bank, but since I'm moving in 6 days... I don't really want to trust mail forwarding with a $300+ package. I've had.... less than stellar luck with local delivery services.

Outside of Amazon, there wasn't really going to be a place that will get a down quilt out to me before the end of the week reliably, but Amazon's selection - to be frank - sucked a bag of dicks. 

Instead of re-ordering the ZPacks, I opted for a slightly heavier one from UGQ that came highly recommended by other hikers.  They swear this company ships real fast, but I'm wary. Nonetheless, I arranged with my landlord to hold onto the package if it arrives after I move out.

So yeah... I updated my lighterpack.com profile. It's not super changed from the last revision and I'm still doing well on base weight.

I am going to a local outfitter this week to see if, on the off chance, they have a particular Osprey backpack in stock. I want to try it on first, and if it feels right... I may replace my current pack and save another ~1.5lbs.  Pricey, but worth it.... and I can sell one of my spare packs for an acceptable amount if I try hard enough.

Cats

It may seem like an odd thing to be choked up by, but I'm realizing now that for the first time since I was a little boy... I'll be living a life without any kitties around.  That makes me sad.

With my social anxiety and general issues fitting in from very early on in life, I've found feline companionship to be some of my most rewarding relationships. Some may think that's sad, but I love cats.  I fucking adore cats. While some find them standoffish, I've found I can usually befriend most (not all) cats if given enough time. 

Cats are not like dogs and expecting them to act as such is often why some get so frustrated. Dogs aim to please, cats have their own agendas.  Figuring out their agendas are the key to earning their trust, which in turn earns their friendship... and when you get a cat to see you as a friend, then you'll understand why some people are just so fucking ga-ga for cats.

Endless love and adoration, endless comedy, and a nonverbal form of communication that's a real comfort for someone with social anxiety disorder.

But anyway.... there will be occasional dogs out there on the A.T.  Cats ....

Well, maybe in town. At the occasional hostel.  But for the most part... I'm going to be cat-free for the foreseeable future.

And that makes me sad.

Tomorrow I'm actually going to see my two kitties, Lucas and Linus, for what will likely be the second-to-last time before I leave for the A.T.  Even now, over two years since I've lived with them, those boys know and love me. They give me head-bonks and side swipes. I can pick them up and cuddle them a bit, whereas only my ex could pick them up without getting fucked up.  (at least for Linus... Lucas is a bit more chill!) 

Linus is slowing down, and I know it's always possible that he could pass away when I'm out there on the A.T.  We already had one kitty - Hymie (I didn't name him) - pass away since I seperated from my ex and moved out.  Hymie was her kitty before we met, but was a gentle giant and was my good buddy ... he simply went to the vet for a checkup one day and he started turning blue during the examination. Within minutes he was gone, nothing to be done. It was heartbreaking to have not been there for the guy, as he'd been there for me throughout a decade of depression and a turbulent marriage.

Ah, life is full of love and loss... of all sorts. 

I've had several kitties throughout my life, some were closer to me than others. I loved them all.  If this atheist can suspend his disbelief for just one thing in this world, I'd like to think I carry the spirits of my feline friends along with me to draw on for strength when I need it most.. as they provided to me when they lived - and when I lived with them.

The Plan Thus Far....

<cue battlestar galactica "the story so far" music>

Ok, so.....

• 2/16 I move out of my current apartment and into my mother's apartment, where I'll stay for ~3 weeks
• 3/7 I head to NYC via train (not yet booked) to stay with my friend Memo that evening
• 3/8 Memo drives us south an estimated 15 hours (give or take). That evening we stay with a friend of his in SC (I could be mistaken on state)
• 3/9 - Drive to GA to Blood Mt. Cabins, where I have 2 nights booked. Site has a trail that directly accesses the A.T. southern terminus
• 3/10 - Memo has to depart, I spend last day alone in cabin getting myself centered and focused for what is to come
• 3/11 - Wait up, eat breakfast .... and start walking to Maine

Backpack/Gear List - UPDATED - 19lbs Base Weight!!!

For starters, when I embedded the lighterpack.com info on my last gear list post, the formatting kind of sucked. It's easier to just click this link and see the information as it's intended to be seen.

Now, some words:

Significant progress today! For starters, I learned that wearables (current, not clothes IN the backpack) aren't counted as "base weight", thus don't penalize me on the recommended base weight criteria! Adjusting for that made a MAJOR difference.

I also managed to cut down on the GoPro mounts to the bare minimum. Made several alterations here and there, and my base weight is just above 19lbs! The recommended base weight is 15lb - 20lbs - depending on who you ask. So, in my estimation.... I made it!

Further, I decided to meet my critics somewhere in the middle regarding that second power bank. I discovered that the second, older power bank I have is NOT a QuickCharge one. That actually makes a BIG difference, as I've seen by my newer one that DOES have that capability. Since I need to replace the older one anyway, I'm going to replace it with a smaller capacity (about 11000 mAh) pocket-sized one that weighs about a third of what the other one does. That will save me even more weight.

The pack is starting to shape up nicely!

One thing people are badgering me on a bit is that I should change to a different backpack itself.... but that's just a bridge too far for me this late in the game!

GoPro video test: Waterfall at the Cascades

This is just a small snippet of video I shot today on a hike at the Cascade Trails in Worcester, MA. YouTube massacres higher resolution videos when it re-encodes them, hence why I uploaded to Vimeo. However, it's a bit more difficult to share/embed videos from there onto Blogger.  But I think I worked it out, so here:

GoPro test - Waterfall 4k from Steve Ericson on Vimeo.

Sometimes you've got to do it.....

"Every now and then, say "What the fuck." "What the fuck" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity, opportunity makes your future." 

- Risky Business

Rattled by Reddit

I'll be honest, I had my confidence rattled a bit over the last two days when seeking input on my gear list. What I thought was a pretty good starting base-weight apparently was about 9 pounds over what is generally recommended.

A thread on Reddit in particular turned into a real shit show. I managed to shave 4 of those 9 pounds off with the help of one particular respondent, but that fact got buried in a sub-thread and other folks coming in only saw half the leg-work and the cascade of Internet Assholery (tm) thus began.

I admittedly let it get under my skin this morning, having some particularly shitty comments and seeing basically half the crowd there making assumptions and implying that I wasn't listening to advice, when I obviously was... it wasn't the thing I needed to wake up to.  WTF, I took a ton of suggestions and put them to use... just not every single suggestion.

The major factor being how my anxiety disorders have informed some of my gear choices, and how the accommodations I have to make to cope with my mental illnesses are adding a couple of pounds via an extra power bank and two separate water treatment options.

For some crazy reason, I was expecting a degree of empathy from Reddit. It didn't take long to realize the flaw in that logic. Jesus.

After politely explaining my unique situation about, oh, forty-five fucking times to people who clearly lack reading comprehension, yeah... I started to get a bit frustrated.

Just like at work, some of these folks simply cannot differentiate between the severity of a anxiety disorder in compared to common every day anxieties.

It's like comparing a windy Autumn day to a fucking hurricane.  Same game, but in entirely different leagues.

For the first time since leaving work last month, these people were making me feel hopeless and useless, making me second guess myself and feel like my mental illness WILL prevent me from my goals here.

I'm past that now, for the most part. The sobering reality is: I do need to lower my pack weight as much as I can, and I've been working on doing so over the last 48 hours.

There are some roadblocks, however. There's not much left I can lose, to be frank. The way the GoPro chews up battery life makes that second power bank essential if I want to film... and I DO plan to film as often as I'm able to.

I've cut down on the GoPro accessories by about half, with my entire camera kit together runs about 2lbs. This is unreasonable to others... but I'll take those 2lbs so I can capture the best footage possible in my once-in-a-lifetime experience. They say to just use my phone.

No.

I'm not quite a pro, but I am above a rank fucking amateur when it comes to photo and film production ... and this is the best chance I've had in my life to date to gather some of my own footage that could be worth a damn that I can use as I please, royalty free. I know some people think their iPhone camera gets some keen shots, but play that shit on a 60 inch 4k screen, motherfucker and then get back to me.


I may not know much, but I have pixels in my blood god dammit and I'm already leaving behind two other action-cams and my DSLR camera. I can't scale back the camera stuff a single ounce more.. and to be frank I'm tempted to still add one or two minor things to it for my convenience and the haters can eat a crusty butthole for all I care.  

I need other areas to cut weight, and about the only place I see to cut anything of significance is that sleeping bag. By switching to a down quilt, I can lose a full pound and a couple ounces along with it. The only problem with that is .... well, down quilts are fucking expensive bro. I'm looking at abour $300 for a mediocre one, closer to $400 if I want one that won't shit out on me after a month or two.

I'm not comfortable with that yet... maybe when my tax returns come in. Maybe. It depends how much that ends up being.

Otherwise.. I don't know man. I could spring for a lighter backpack, but at the size I need we're talking a good $350, and that'll save me 3-4 ounces at BEST. That's just not worth it, not when I don't have a fucking job anymore.

And still my clothes have not been factored into that weight, so god forbid.....

Gear Shakedown and Social Friction

My last post, which contained my current gear list, was posted to both the r/AppalachianTrail subreddit on Reddit as well as the A.T. Class of 2019 Facebook group, where I asked for comments and suggestions.

I was a bit taken aback at the different tones each platform's replies came in.  While many of the suggestions were similar from both, the Facebook group was much friendlier and open to my explanations and rebuttals. 

On Reddit, there was a lot of snark and condescension.  The mere fact that I wasn't agreeing 100% with every suggestion somehow meant I'm being dismissive or difficult, etc ... and I worked pretty hard to keep that thread from devolving into a real shit show.  The end result is debatable.  There's definitely some good conversations going there, but to be honest... this isn't the first time I've encountered condescending redditors making snap judgments without context in that same subreddit.

Trying to explain to these folks who can sometimes treat the "Ultralight" concept as a fundamentalist treats their holy tomes, that I NEED certain things in that gear list - at least for the time being - as means to cope with some of the lingering anxieties that are still trying to sabotage this trip for me.

To a seasoned hiker who wants to shave ounces at every possible corner, bringing two power banks and two water filtration systems seems like insanity. I understand that.  But I'm approaching this from a different angle, one of a mentally ill person who's fighting a constant war against self doubt and fear that needs that little extra security blanket to help nudge me to the southern terminus - where I won't be able to easily turn back from once there.

Then after the days turn into weeks and weeks into months, I'll adapt to my new life and old anxieties are replaced with new ones - at which point I'll know better if I need that much power, or that much water. And I can pare down accordingly from there.

But as with my former job, it's clear that a lot of my hiking peers will also never fully understand the severity of anxiety disorders and are thus quick to judge harshly in their understandable ignorance.

All the same, I know I am pretty inexperienced... and it would be silly of me to disregard the words from those with much more backpacking experience than I.  This is not lost on me, and I try to make that very clear even when I'm disagreeing.  I'm just trying to respond to them with the context that informed my choice.

I'm not trying to be a stubborn asshole when I hold my ground on power banks. I'm just saying I've considered their weight and I'm ok with taking it on for the benefits it will provide me.

At the end of the day, it's me carrying it at any rate.

And to say I've been dismissive would be incorrect, as my future revised list will bear out. 

Anxiety Disorders Meet Untested Gear

Equipment apprehensions are nothing new. It's in my nature to second guess things, and I'm now without an income that will allow me to easily swap gear in and out.

Most of the gear I've chosen has been field tested on one or several camping and hiking trips. All but two, that is.

First off is my new ZPacks Duplex tent.  From all accounts I've read, this is one of the most badass ultralight tents out there. It's made of cuben fiber - possibly my new favorite thing ever - and more spacious than my MIA Tarptent ProTrail.

My Tarptent ProTrail was one of the first purchases I made when I decided to embark on this journey, and I'd done a lot of research at the time.  I'd almost chosen a ZPacks tent, but the high prices put me off.  Instead I opted for this bivy tent, low profile to be easy to find places to set it up and uses my trekking poles instead of tent rods and all that crap. And it was easy to set up!

That tent went with me on all my camping trips - paired with a cheap $20 pop-up dome tent I found at WalMart that I used to store my gear in (a luxury I was aware I wouldn't have on the A.T.!) - and I generally liked that tent a lot. I even had it professionally weather-sealed. It was a big investment.

But several months after returning from Greylock I was going through my gear... and my Tarptent was nowhere to be found.  To this day, it's still gone. I'm 98% packed in my cramped little quarters, so there's nowhere here it could be.  The only thing I can think of is that it must have somehow got left behind in Lanesborough at the Greylock Campsite.  But since it was so long after I'd actually been there, I doubt a call to them would have made a difference.

Wherever my Tarptent is, I hope it's being used and enjoyed.  Though I enjoyed that tent, it was wanting for space.  To bring my gear in with me made for a lot of reshuffling every time I moved or wanted to access anything. It was a pain in the ass.  Still, given the expense of a new tent, I would have lived with it had the tent not gone missing and forced my hand.

So now I have that ZPacks Duplex, which is even lighter at 19oz and also uses trekking poles for support. I just haven't used it yet. I haven't even set it up yet.  Since I got it just a month or so ago, it's been all rain, snow and ice here.  The few clear days I may have managed to attempt it, of course I procrastinated.

There's still time though, and I figure at worst I can set it up at the cabin I rent the night before I start the hike. There'll be plenty of room to do so, and we can get it on film. It should be a laugh. I'm not too concerned about it.


The other is water filtration.  For some reason, I just haven't been able to get myself to try any of my water filters in the wild, save one - which is a single cup filter system that's neat, but not in the least bit efficient.

I'm not sure how to explain this anxiety, but it's real.  Similar to times at my former job when asked to make certain phone calls, I just lock up and can't seem to get the impulses from my brain to my muscles to activate them. It's like a mental misfire.

On every camping trip I've gone on, I've brought my water filtering systems. I never used them. I had access to clean water, so I wasn't forced to use them. I'm thinking that's the key.

I may not be able to explain the why of it, but I do know how to conquer it:  Force myself into a situation where I have to use the damned filters, or I just don't get to have water. Period.  What better place to do that than on a thru hike of the A.T.?

On my gear list you'll see both a life straw and the Katadyn BeFree gravity filter, but since posting that I have also placed an order for Aquamira treatments as a third backup in place.  If I'm not fully testing all this crap before I go, at least I can have backups in case one of them fails me. I know it's not ideal, but it's one of the first mental illness related challenges I'm going to face on the Trail, so in a way I'm kind of looking forward to it!

[PHOTOS] Berkshires Camping Trip (June 2018)

[PHOTOS] Mt Greylock Ascent & Descent (6/21/2018)